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| Name | G | AB | R | H | 2B | 3B | HR | RBI | TB | BB | K | SB | CS | AVG | OBP | SLG | OPS | WAR |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Bobs Bigboy 1B | 108 | 464 | 75 | 132 | 20 | 1 | 21 | 56 | 217 | 32 | 49 | 0 | 0 | .284 | .331 | .468 | .798 | 1.2 |
| Handel Aldi's Nuts 3B | 106 | 451 | 66 | 149 | 17 | 2 | 15 | 59 | 215 | 34 | 62 | 0 | 1 | .330 | .377 | .477 | .853 | 3.6 |
| Calvin O'Shanassy LF | 108 | 434 | 65 | 149 | 20 | 3 | 12 | 62 | 211 | 40 | 46 | 0 | 1 | .343 | .396 | .486 | .882 | 3.3 |
| Swiffer Sweeper RF | 108 | 426 | 55 | 108 | 18 | 1 | 9 | 59 | 155 | 25 | 61 | 0 | 0 | .254 | .295 | .364 | .658 | -0.4 |
| Thomas Sankara SS | 108 | 418 | 56 | 117 | 10 | 0 | 8 | 50 | 151 | 26 | 63 | 0 | 0 | .280 | .324 | .361 | .685 | 2.2 |
| Career Minor Leaguer CF | 108 | 407 | 56 | 131 | 16 | 0 | 5 | 47 | 162 | 46 | 52 | 35 | 5 | .322 | .393 | .398 | .791 | 2.5 |
| Srevor Tory DH | 99 | 369 | 50 | 103 | 14 | 2 | 9 | 47 | 148 | 29 | 53 | 0 | 0 | .279 | .332 | .401 | .733 | -0.1 |
| Vumion Stitcherson 2B | 91 | 353 | 48 | 115 | 10 | 4 | 14 | 56 | 175 | 24 | 37 | 0 | 0 | .326 | .369 | .496 | .865 | 4.0 |
| Jerry Coleman C | 76 | 256 | 25 | 72 | 9 | 0 | 4 | 28 | 93 | 10 | 42 | 0 | 0 | .281 | .305 | .363 | .668 | 1.5 |
| Sack Boy C | 41 | 122 | 14 | 22 | 7 | 1 | 2 | 14 | 37 | 30 | 25 | 0 | 0 | .180 | .340 | .303 | .643 | 0.1 |
| Yes No C | 27 | 103 | 8 | 31 | 3 | 1 | 1 | 15 | 39 | 3 | 23 | 0 | 0 | .301 | .318 | .379 | .696 | 0.2 |
| T.J Money DH | 21 | 76 | 8 | 17 | 1 | 0 | 3 | 11 | 27 | 6 | 14 | 0 | 0 | .224 | .277 | .355 | .632 | -0.3 |
| Yoshinori Akiyama 3B | 9 | 34 | 7 | 11 | 0 | 0 | 2 | 5 | 17 | 3 | 6 | 0 | 0 | .324 | .378 | .500 | .878 | 0.4 |
| Gary the Giraffe SS | 2 | 4 | 0 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | .500 | .500 | .500 | 1.000 | 0.1 |
